Greetings and salutations! Please enjoy this selection from A Brief History of Space Cats, and the Care and Feeding Thereof by Sarah Ever. Written by the main character from Space Cats from Space, these entries form a resource for feline companions to help them ease the transition from cat “owner” to their true role as caretaker and, possibly, human slave. Please enjoy!
Because of the complicated nature of words that start with the letter X in the English language, allow me to abuse this entry by listing ten things about Space Cats that don’t particularly fit into any one letter here.
One, space cats are truly excellent at keeping secrets. Aside from the fact that most humans don’t even understand them, if they don’t want you to know something, you aren’t going to figure it out.
Two, space cats prefer small, close hiding spots. It is not because they feel safer, but because if you can’t get in there, it’s a perfect place to set up communication panels to their superior officers.
Three, Pinky deluded himself if he thought I didn’t see through his “laser light as currency” line. Also, space cats can be assholes.
Four, the attractiveness level of felines is a self-defense measure. The cuter they are, the more you need to be careful of them. They might not be deadly, but they are planning something. You may remember a large, orange tabby cat who knew this about the small, grey, companion whose company he was forced to endure. Unfortunately for the lasagna-loving feline, his grey “friend” was entirely too wiley, and he always managed to worm his way out of trouble.
Five, space cats aren’t actually napping as much as humans seem to think. They are actually plotting the time before their next mealtimes and trying to determine new ways to get food early.
At least that’s my theory. I actually don’t know what they’re plotting. But don’t be fooled, they are plotting.
Six, the nose of space cats are their identification for things that require it, as it displays a unique set of ridges like human fingerprints. Almost more interestingly, if their nanites are removed from their body, they will naturally arrange themselves in the same noseprint pattern of the cat they came from as identification.
Seven, teams that are settled within a human home, or have managed to entangled a human that they interact with regularly are issued a ship. They are relatively easy for feline nanites to manufacture, taking approximately 18 months from start to completion. The ship docks on the roof of the human’s home, whether the cat lives there or not. Apartment buildings can become quite crowded, and in instances when the roof is in use by its human occupants, adjacent buildings are used.
Eight, certain humans actually find space cats irresistible. Certain space cats (of which my household has one) give off a pheromone that is more attractive to humans than nepetalactone is to felines.
I won’t mention whether or not I am one of those humans. However, I believe that this pheromone may also affect canines. (Which may or may not give you a hint as to which of the brothers in my house is giving off the pheromone.)
Nine, space cat shedding season ranges from March to November for outdoor cats, and all year long for indoor cats (as we know). Shedding their fur occurs for several reasons, the usual being temperature changes.
But also because their nanites are reacting to the phases of the moon. This is a relatively useless bit of information. Felines who shed less have nanites with a less severe reaction to the moon.
And finally, ten, space cats like to wager. In fact, Pinky bet me ten dollars that I couldn’t come up with ten items that I didn’t already cover throughout this text. And Blinky went double or nothing that I couldn’t do it in less than five days.
Guess who’s having pizza delivered for dinner?