If you are reading this, you may know quite a fair bit about your cats. Please enjoy this selection from A Brief History of Space Cats, and the Care and Feeding Thereof by Sarah Ever. Written by the main character from Space Cats from Space, these entries form a resource for feline companions to help them ease the transition from cat “owner” to their true role as caretaker and, possibly, human slave. Please enjoy!
I apologize for diving into the deep end on your first day, but one cannot discuss the history of Space Cats without mentioning the admiral.
Admiral Fluffybutt is the aunt of the four brothers in my household. A statuesque calico, she doesn’t resemble them in the least, unless you take into account her body language. When Inky is stressed, and in need of control, his body language is precisely like Admiral Fluffybutt.
But that may be neither here nor there.
From what I have learned, Admiral Fluffybutt’s given name was Twiggy and she is nearly as old as her name implies. She has taken full advantage of her nanites and their life-prolonging techniques, living far past the usual lifespan for felines with which we are familiar. She took advantage of a common practice, wandering off when her age and good health might have grown suspect, and took up a covert position with her promotion to Admiral.
Since then, she has led with an iron paw. She will brook no failures. Accepting anything less than the best is not in her vocabulary.
Admiral Fluffybutt is not to be trusted. Make no mistake; she’s ready to do awful things to you if you’re slow enough to let her. Ruining your identity will be the cherry on top of her reign of terror, and you’ll beg for the pleasure of trying to recover your credit when she’s done with you.
Thankfully, I have a more than capable team on my side. So far, she’s reset my social security number (yes, that’s a thing); added me to a terror watch list, and caused a heck of a challenge for Douglas Line, a local police officer, by erasing his employment history.
We were lucky the Chief of Police favors dogs, but that is another story.
If you have cats, and they are still on good terms with the admiral, you may be safe. But my guess is that if you are reading this, either your cats have decided not to go through with Revelation, or you don’t have cats, and you’re in the habit of picking up books with strange titles from the shelves. (I’m grateful for the latter, to be sure.)
Just be sure that you keep your guard up around her. She likes being in control and loathes losing it.